Saturday, May 1, 2010

Some thoughts on dreams.

The lights a low and Eme's sound asleep. I've been very pensive and melancholy today because I dreamed a lot last night and remembered them. Which is weird because I very rarely remember dreams. In every one of them I was either dead or dying (mostly of cancer.) I was horribly upset in the dreams because I wasn't going to get to raise my children and because they wouldn't know or remember me.

I woke up early and kind of upset. I actually laid in bed for another hour and thought while my babe slept all curled up next to me. I thought about what I would do if I really was dying. How I would say goodbye to my husband. What I would do to try and get him "ready" for that day. How I would hug and hold my sweet little guy one last time and hope that it would be enough to last for the rest of his life. What I would try to leave behind so that he could in someway know me, from me, and not just by what his daddy, family and friends told him.

It's affected me all day. Now, as far as I know, I'm totally healthy and I will live to bare this babe some siblings and live far into his future. But, what if I don't? I would hope that other's would love him for me and teach him about his mom that loves him so much and is certainly watching from the other side. And, I know that my family would.

But if something was to happen to me, I would want to "leave something behind" that was just for him from me. Something to help guide him through his life. A piece of me. Is it weird that I feel like I want and should do something in response to these dreams? I have no idea why on earth this was what my dreams were about.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Mahleah, that is so sad. I hate dreams like that. My Mom died when I was 19, and it was hard. But at least I have 19 years of memories. My little brother was only 9, and I hope he remembers her.

    I worry about that a lot, what would happen if I died and my kids were too young to remember me. Kurt thinks I'm morbid, and says he's sure I'll live long enough that my grandkids will remember me. I hope he is right. But life doesn't always turn out the way we hope.